Not my will

Camy here.

Now, I know I am not a bad Christian. I read my Bible (almost) everyday, and I really love reading it. I’m going through the entire Bible for the fourth time (I’m a bit ashamed that I’ve been a Christian for almost 20 years but have only read through the entire Bible three times), and each day is filled with something new God is revealing to me.

But for a while, I’ve been living my Christian life on autopilot. I help with the youth group on Saturday nights, I lead a weekly high school girls’ Bible study, I participate in a couple’s prayer group/Bible study twice a month, and I lead a worship team for Sunday service once a month. I do all these things for God, and I’m happy doing them, but nothing is new. Nothing is different.

My faith is the same as it’s been for years.

As some of you know, I’ve been reading The Relationship Principles of Jesus by Tom Holladay because my church is doing the 40 Days of Love campaign.

One thing I like about this book is that it has challenged me to dig deeper into my faith. It has made me search and see what aspects of my faith I’ve let slide without even realizing it.

What struck me the other day was “Not my will, Lord, but Yours be done.” Jesus prayed that in Gethsemane, and although I know the story, the phrase as it applies to me hasn’t entered into my consciousness in a while.

But Jesus set aside His desires to do only what God wanted Him to do. He set aside His wants in favor of God.

And I realized I haven’t been doing that very much lately.

Much of what God asks me to do, I really enjoy doing—the youth group work, the Bible studies, the worship team.

But when God asks me to do something I don’t want to do, I find excuses. I delay. I hide. I reneg.

And I hadn’t even realized that this is what I’ve been doing. I’m so ashamed of myself.

But I’m also determined to do better. And I know God will help me.

There’s a great prayer from the book that has really spoken to me:

”God, I want your will, but I want my will also. I know it’s wrong, but it’s how I feel. So I ask you to work in my heart to get me to the place where I can pray, ‘Not my will, but your will be done.’”

I am typing that out and taping it somewhere near my workstation. It’s important for me to remember.

So how about you? Can you relate to what I’ve been discovering about myself?

Camy Tang lives in San Jose, California. She previously worked in biology research, and she is a staff worker for her church youth group. She runs the Story Sensei critique service, and her latest Asian chick lit novel, Single Sashimi, is out now. Join her newsletter YahooGroup for monthly Christian fiction giveaways!

Comments

[Veronica]

Wow it's so true. I've found lately when I'm doing something I know I shouldn't be doing it always leads to trouble.
Thank you Camy

[Rachel McDaniel]

I relate to what you're going through, Camy. It seems lately I've been drawn to look at my priorities. Child of God- first, Wife- second, mother- third, and writer -last.

I heard a comment once that your attention follows your desires. I have to ask what have I been giving my attention to? When it comes down to it, is all that beneficial?

That's great that your church is doing a forty days of love campaign. Have you ever read - The Conspiracy of Kindness by Steve SjoGren? I had to read it in Bible School and it's methods of sharing God's love is refreshing.
Anyway, Great post!
Rachel

[Camy Tang]

Thanks, guys! I think it's really good of God to remind me every so often of His grace and His holiness.
Camy